Hello, hello, Fellow Musers! Welcome back to my mini-series of Two Cats and Their Human! This part of the series is in Artist’s Corner because I don’t consider this a musing in the sense that I’ve framed the word. This is more of a creative writing project that I’ve been wanting to do since I wrote my first Substack article!
If this is your first time coming across the mini-series, I highly recommend going to read the beginning of this series and working your way to this post. Here is the recommended list for Two Cats and Their Human:
The Human, Part 1
Artist’s Corner Special
The Human, Part 2
Nalia’s Version, Part 1
This is Part 1 of Salem’s “version” of how she and Nalia came to live with me. Salem’s view will be in italics and the spelling errors are somewhat intentional. This is part details when the the three of us met, how they came inside my apartment, and the reaction and thoughts about being pregnant through Salem’s eyes. Enjoy!
Business Up Front So We Can Get To The Party In The Back!
Can’t currently do a subscription? That’s completely understandable! If you’ve been enjoying reading my posts, and would like to visit my Ko-Fi page to
Whether it’s through a free sub, paid sub, re-stacking my posts (however many times you’d like),
tipping some coins either to me or for the kitties, etc, I still appreciate you taking the time to read what I write!
The ladies and I also want to give a special Shoutout to
for being Musings of an Anthropologist’s first Ko-Fi tipper🎉🎉🎉Thank you so much for your support, Caroline, and also for helping to pave the way for future anthropologists!Aight, now that we got that business taken care of, we can get to Salem’s story!
Also, just in case: TW: Mention (but barely any in-depth details) of cat mating.
Setting:
Picture it…a warmish-cool Texas evening…sometime in October 2023…a fateful meeting happened between two cats and a human…
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October and November 2022
<Meow! Mrow meow!> I remember…
I was walking down near some humungous buildings with my too curious-for-her-own-good catsister…
Nalia: <Mreow!> Hey!
Salem: <Meow!> Hush! Who’s tellin’ my side? Not you!
Nalia: <Meow! Meow! Meeeooowwww!> Mama! Sister’s being meeeaaan!!!
Human: <Picks up Nalia and cuddles her> I’m so sorry she’s being mean, baby. In fairness, it is her side of the story, and she can tell it how she wants. However, Salem baby, be nice to your sister, purrlease.
Salem: <Mreow…mreow!> Why you taking her side?
Human: I’m not taking anyone’s side, baby. I said it’s your side of the story and you can say what you want, but you still need to be nice to Nalia.
Salem: <Mreow! Mreow! Mreow!> You can’t tell me what to do!
Human: <Releases Nalia from the cuddle> No, but I can pick you up and cuddle you until you’re nice to both me and Nalia, ma’am.
Salem: <Meow! Mreow!> No you can’t! I’m the queen cat-I can do whatever I want!
Human: I’m gonna getcha Salem!
Salem: <Mreow!> No you ain’t!
<Salem rushes off, tail up, a sign that she’s intentionally being sassy for attention. Human playfully strides after her, picks her up, and holds The Queen in a gentle cuddle>
Human: You gonna be nice to me and your sister?
Salem: <Mrrrow!> I’ll be nice to you, mama! <Looks at Human with big, innocent eyes as she wiggles around>
Human: And to your sister?
Salem: <Mreow?> I haz to?
Human: <Nuzzles Salem’s cheek> Yes Queen, you haz to.
Salem: <Reluctant ‘Mreow’> Okay, I be nice to her.
Human: You’re a good girl, Miss Salem💜
Nalia: <Mreow!?!> Is I good too?
Human: You’re a good girl too, Miss Nalia💜
Salem: <Mreow?> Can I continue purrleaze?
Human and Nalia: <Mreow!> Yas Queen!
Salem: <Meow!> Finally!
Anywayz…we came across dis human getting out of a car. Catsister iz a curious kitty and so I followz hurrz following teh human for the same reason she doez-to see if she gotz any food. As luck would have it, she did! Catsister let out an excited meowz and I goes up to where she iz and we feast! The door opens-the human seez us and we takes offs. We don’t trust humanz at this point in our lifespanz. Although, it’s safe to say, it still takes me time to warm up to hoomanz dese dayz! <Looks at Mama’s boyfriend who is also known as our Hooman Daddy, Hooman grandparents, Mama’s friendz…just ta givez a few examplez)
<Mrrreow! Meow. Meow! Mrrow!>
Teh human would leave food out for us during the week but we didn’t see her on the weekendz sumtime for a while. I didn’t pay attention to her schedule like my catsister seemed to (unlike her, I was aware that we culd getz othur hoomans to feed us)…
Nalia: <Meow!> Hey!
Human: Nalia, mi cariño, remember: Salem’s version!
…but catsister seemed to like this human the most, so we went and visited hur the most. Eventually she started calling my catsister Nalia, and she called me Salem bcuz I reminded hur of some othur sassy black-furred cat.
<Meow. Mrow! Meow!>
Eventually I warmed up enough to dis Hooman to tease her into trying to pet me, and derz (there’s) a few timez I canz rememberz touching my tail to her leg. I wouldn’t let her touch me while outside, though. I convinced her to let us come into her Human Den, though, so that we could be nosy and check it out!
Human: Mmhmm, yeah, she convinced me reeeaaal good, y’all!
I will admit that I came up a few times to see the Hooman by myself. I still didn’t let her touch me, but it was fun teasing her! I also snifft around her apartment too-lots of placez to run around in and potentional hide-and-seek pounce spots!
Human: Yes, we did indeed have a few nice moments when you were still outside. I also recall seeing you hanging out in a big plant pot in front of one of the apartment units.
Salem: <Meow? Meow! Mreow!> Plant pot? Ah yeah, that plant pot! I miss that pot-I’d always leave a litte present for the humans who tended that pot to find!
Human: Yeeeaaah…I heard about that…
Salem: Fun times furr evuryone! <Settles into a comfy position with a smirk on her face and purrs in satisfaction>
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December 2022
Months latur, thurr wuz a brief few dayz that I wuz not with my catsister. It was cold, and I figured she must have found shelter somewhere, either with other cats…or maybe dat hooman? I know now dat catsister wuz, in fact, wit teh Human, especially becuz catsister found me and took me back to where teh human wuz with another Hooman. Well, catsister already told you about him and the other Hooman who was with teh <whispers so Nalia doesn’t hear> our <resumes normal voice> human, so I stayed at a distance and allowed catsister, whom I guess I’ll start calling Nalia bcuz easier, to go check dem out.
Nalia, of course, decided that since dey wuz wit Teh Human, den she wuz okay wit dem. We no see Teh Human furr a few dayz, although Nalia said she sawz dem briefly. Someting about Teh Human needing someting removed dat wuld make hurz life better (dis frum hooman). The two other hoomanz left eventually, and den we hadz The Human back to ourselvez. As Nalia said, little did we know that our lives would be changed furrevurr a few weekz laturz.
I wuz starting to feel things-specifically to put my booty in the air and shake it like I just didn’t care in fruntz of all teh cats, specifically a black and white kitty dat teh hooman latur named Tuxedo.
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January
A few weeks later, the weather gotz stupid cold…again! Nalia disappeared and I had a feeling that I knew exactly where I would find her! Teh Human’s Den, so I wasn’t worried. I also was in teh company of another cat, a charming male tuxedo who I thought had taken a liking to me…and a few other catladies. But they didn’t matter-we, Tuxedo and I, did teh thing that catz are suppose to do naturally. It hurt…Somwhere deep inside me, I heard a yowl and I prayed to the ancient cat goddess because Bastet, it fucking hurt! But it was over almost as quickly, and he even joined me in my cries. I thought, “The moment when it gets warmer, Ima go to Teh Human’s Den, check on catsister Nalia, and den come back and spend more time wit Tuxedo!”
I peeked in thru teh window teh next night. Nalia saw me as well as Teh Human. I went to teh door, and Teh Human opened it. “You looking for sister? She’s in here!” said Teh Human. I followed my nose cuz I could smell catsister’s scent mixed in with Teh Human’s sent. I closed in to where Nalia was, and den I herdz a sound-teh sound of a door closing!
“Shit!” I realized. It was a trap to get me inside, using catsister as bait! I went to teh door to try to get out-sister could stay, I was having none of dis shit! When dat didn’t work, I did teh next best thing and ran under teh couch.
I heard Teh Human let Nalia out and tell her that I was under teh couch and dat I just needed some time to adjust being inside. I was relieved dat catsister Nalia <here on out called Sister and/or Nalia> was okay, but I was still furious at being tricked! “I’ll show dat human!” I thought. “I’ll show hurr dat she made a mistake tricking me like dat! Me and Sister are gonna get outta here!"
Nalia did her best to help me adjust to living inside. So did Teh Human. Eventually I allowed Teh Human to pet me when she fed us. Eventually I allowed hurr to pick me up and holdz me. Slowly my mind began to change from, “We gotta get da fuck outta here!” to “Dis is kinda nice…food whenever we want it, toyz to play with, no having to worry about death by cars and stupidely loud motor bikes! Hmmm, maaayybeee I likez it heerrrrz?…”. Little did I know that within a few months time, I would need Teh Human and Sister more daen I’d thought I ever would.
February
A few weeks go by. I becomez more accustomd to teh Hooman and being stack stuck inside wit Sister Nalia
All.
Dayz.
Loooooooongzzzzz.
I love her but…Uuuughzzz!!!!
Sumtimez other kitties come say hi thru teh window. Nalia and I know them as our siblingz, but az teh Hooman saided we agreed to comez inside so no more outsidez fur us unless we let hurr put harnesses and leashes on us. The fuck she think we are, dogs?!? Pffft!
Sister wuz wild! I mean, I wuz too, but fur some reazon I wazn’t as energetic as I uze to bee. Fur starturz, I noticed that my waist was expanding…and it waznt getting smallur. Hooman had us on a feed once a day-don’t worriez, it wuz 2 cups of food and lots of treatz! She definitely didn’t want us to starve! I allowz hurz to pet me at food time, but then I’d run from hur whenevur she wanted to give pets but no food! Eventually, though, she’d catch me and give me petz anywayz. I lurned to tolerate them, and nowadayz I luvz dem, but at dat time, thingz wur still nu!
I really liked hiding undur teh couch! Bestest place, tehe! I also like hiding in teh shelves that wuz attached to a long shelf dat had holez fur muore more hiding spotz!
Eventually, though, I sensed something wuz happening inside me. My nature senses told me dis wuz a natural ting frum my night with Tuxedo. Uh oh! We didn’t use-wats tat wurd tat hooomanz use? Oh right-protection! But therz no such thing as cat condoms…is thurr? I seen human ones-dey look weird…and too big fur cats to use!
Human: *Blink* Mmhmm *Blink* certainly so *Blink*
Salem: *Gets right into hooman’s face* Why you blinking so much? Hrmmm? *Boops Human’s nose, smirks and goes back to typing, swiping tail in Human’s face*
Anywayz, I culd sense something wuz up! One day I noticed Hooman putting Nalia in an all black, rectangular carrier-the same one she used to lure me inside! I had noticed that thurr wuz another carrier-it wuz white, with blu flowurz around it.
I admit-whenz Hooman wuzn’t hurr here a fu timez, I’d get inside teh blu rectangle. I alwayz sensed it wuz furr me-cuz I’d blend in wit teh black one cuz Ima (mostly) all black kitty, hehe! 98-99% all blackz, hehe! And floofy! I gotz dat floof going fo’ me, unlike Sister, who looks like she got electricuted when hurr fur stickz outz! Hehe!
She then turned to me. I knew what was up immediately! I tried to go under teh couch-but it wuz blocked! Dat human female dog! I hiss at her like the ferocious black panther I am! Guess what this bitch does?!? SHE HISSES BACK! Oooh, it’s on now! I still ain’t gonna let hur putz me in teh carrier, so I haul furry kitty ass to teh bathroom-Hooman followz me to teh bathroom and catches me. I hiss at her which she correctly interpreted as:
“NOT TODAY SATAN!”
“NOPE!”
along with a few “FUCK YOU BITCH!!!”
There was also at least one “LICK MY FURRY FLOOFY ASS YOU BITCH!”
She picked me up, opened teh door, and I did a victoriously planned leap out of hur armz, hissed and hid! Long story short-I WON! Teh bitch and Nalia left and I had teh whole place to myself! Hurrzahz!!!!
A few weeks latur, same ting, diffurent result. Nalia gets put into teh carrier…and dis time teh Human catchez me! Granted, dat ting I mentioned earlier, about feeling sumting inside me? Yeah, I knew by dat time dat I wuz gonna be a mama. Human sensed it too, and saw dat I waz getting…wider, among other lady-cat tings. So dis time, she got smart-the bitch herded me to teh bathroom, brought teh blu carrier wit hur, and aftur convincinguly convincing meh to stay in teh carrier, we get inside hur car, and we go on what she called a “short road trip”. Turnz out she wuz taking us to a hooman who specialized in taking care of animalz. a vetr-rare-rian…or sumting like dat!
It shuld go witout saying but Ima say it anywayz: Nalia and I were both good girls fur teh vet. Teh vetr-rare-rian poked sumting in Nalia’s butt (welp, it’s hur fault-she shuldn’t have stuck hur bootay up in teh air like she just didn’t care!)
Aaaand then it wuz my turn. I didn’t stick my booty in teh air (cuz I actually cared) but I gotz a ting put up my butt too! It was cold but thankfully, it was only about two seconds and then it was out! The vet then started feeling me up-I did not consent to dat! But the vet wuz gentle and gave me pets so I decided to not be mean. The vet confirmed to the human wut I already knew: I haz the kittenz inside me. I wuz gunna be a mama.
Ima be honest, Fellow Musurz, I wuzn’t too worried-this is a natural ting that happens to all animalz at some point, so why be worried?
Immediately, I sensed teh human’s anxiety. She and the vet talked about sumthing called a spay-abortion but I wuz too far along to be able to have one dun on me safely. Human also agreed dat teh better thing to do was to allow nature to take its course and to see what wuld happen. She asked about feeding schedulez-teh vet said dat Hooman culd free feed me and Nalia bcuz I needed to feed my babies and Nalia, well, Nalia wuz undur weight so she needed teh food. Oooh happy dayz!!!
Hooman took us back homez and began to prepare fur the kittenz. She took me to see another vetr-rare-rian wit some place dat specializez in adoption. There wur really weird smellz and I culd hear uthur catz meowing. Wuz she gunna give me and Sistur and teh babies up?!? Wur we too much fur hur and she realized it?!? I decided dat I wuz gunna try and be nicur too hur-I nu dat she wuzn’t a bad hooman, but I realized dat she wuz just az nurvous about taking care of us az we were (read: I, Salem) of hurr taking care of us. I decided dat I wuz going to start trusting hurr more, and allow hurr more petz and cuddlez.
We went home, and laturz thruout teh night and on (except when Hooman Daddy came to visit-dat guy iz loud and makez too much noize and doezn’t sit still!!!), I gave Hooman Mama (yupperz, finally calling hurr Mama) supur loud purrz to let hurr know that evurything wuld be okayz. I purred so loud somtimez dat teh bed wuld vibrate!
Human:
Mama gently let me know dat once teh kittenz were weaned dat dey wuld be adopted out bcuz our home wuz too smol furr all of us. I culd see dat she wuz sad about it. I culd see dat she luvd me and Nalia. We wur hurr wurld (az well az dat Othur Hooman).
~End of Salem’s Version, Part 1~
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Thank y’all for reading Salem’s Version, Part 1. I will release Salem’s Version: Part 2 next week, and then the week after will be Nalia’s Version: Part 2!
Thank you again, Caroline, for your tip!
Carpe Diem and many ¡Huzzahs! to you, Fellow Musers! ¡Y eso de todo!
~Kimber, Nalia, and Salem💜💞
Fun Factz: Once Miss Salem started trusting me more, I discovered that she loves belly rubs and nose-to-nose boops, so I try to give them to her as often as she wants! And yes, like Miss Nalia, Salem also lives up to her feisty namesake, the feisty world-conquering wizard cat from Sabrina the Teenage Witch. She thinks I don’t know, but I’ve heard her conspire with Nalia to take over the world😉
so that her world dominating plans can be somewhat delayed!
This is an excellent and profound critter communication. I read it outloud to Chris & Jasper Kitten. They took in every word.🐾🐾
Thanks, Salem. After being on the streets, your ‘fast’ trust in these hoomans is amazing. However, I don’t think you had much choice. Your selection for a hooman mama is the best. You don’t want to leave. You could bolt out that door if you wanted 😇.