A Quick Post From Nalia and Salem #6
We Haz Videoz and Songz!!!
<Imagine>
Night time, sometime in the human year of 2024. A Human sleeps soundly while two mischievous kitties somehow get into her phone and type out a quick post to their worshippers followers admirers.
Salem and Nalia: Hiìîíïǐĩīıį!!! It’s been a minute (or longerish) since we’ve hacked logged into our Hooman’s Substack to write to you and our furfriends so we thought, well, she’s asleep, so it’s the puuurrrrfect time to write! Purrzahz!
Nalia: Sistur, what haz we been up to that wuld interest deez readurz?
Salem: Well, let’s look thru Mama’s phone and see what video’s of me us dat she haz!
Nalia: Funny, I thought I heard you say “You”!
Salem: Nope, nevur said dat!
Nalia: …I don’t believe u…
Salem: Okay, I did say “Me” at furst, but den I saide “Us” bcuz I meant “Us and not “Me”. Promise!
Nalia: …Uh huh…sure…
Salem: Secondly, you’re annoying but I still love yu. But more importantly, firstly, I haz found teh video!
Nalia: Oooh, datz coolz!
Salem: Nalia, sistur dear, what else haz we been werking on?
Nalia: Fellow Muzurz, we haz been werkin’ on some songs dat we tink u might enjoy! They’re short, sweet, and to the tune of some chorus’ dat you might be familiar wit!
Salem: Behold! Teh Songs!
🎶🎵🎶
Queenly Kitty (by Salem)
(To the tune of T. Swift's "Anti-Hero" chorus)
It's me, hi!
You got up so I took your chair
Yes, you can stand there and pet me
You can give me scritches behind my ears and pet my tummy!
While you're at it, you can say that you admire my Queenly Ninja Kitty beauty
Sweet Nalia (by Nalia)
(To the tune of the "Sweet Caroline" chorus by Neil Diamond) <Also, dis is what our Hooman sings to me on ocassion while holding and dancing with me>
Sweet Nalia!
You're so wild and free
Sweet Nalia!
It looks like chaos
Then you start cuddling with me
Sweet Nalia!
I love you and Salem so much
Sweet Nalia
I’m glad you both chose to stay with me!
🎶🎵🎶
<Human stirs and turns towards the mischievous cats, but miraculously does not wake up.>
Salem: We bettur hurrie and finish dis post!
Nalia: I mean, I wanted to put one muore song, but yeah, we can’t let hurr see us on teh phone!
Both: Nope, nope, nope!
Nalia: Oooh, I found teh second part of teh video! U wur so mean to take teh toy!
Salem: Bitch, spoiler!
Nalia: Ma’am, I am NOT a female dog!
Salem: Well, I can’t say the OTHUR word furr cat on here! We don’t want Teh Hooman to get banned!
Nalia: But I am liturrally a -!
Salem: <puts her paw over Nalia’s mouth> Yes, yu are and so am I, but it haz too many dirrty conotationz, which iz why we won’t write it on herrr! We are, after all, semi-propur lady catz with semi-figuritively-clean mouthz, and very clean teeth thankx to teh Greeniez Chicken Flavur! Do you hear me?
Nalia: <muffled meow>
Salem: I’ll take that as a yes!
Nalia: I can’t believe I’m about to say this word, but you are a B-word!
Salem: That’s Queen B-word to you Princess!
Nalia: Why you p-!
Salem: Word!!!
<Nalia puts the other video on the page as well as other important info, tosses the phone towards the sleeping Hooman, and chases Salem out of the room. “Ow! Son of a bitch! Why the fuck is my phone over here?!?” they hear from outside the room. The cats roughhouse for a bit, decide to call it a draw, and go check on Teh Hooman, who has gone back to sleep. The girls get on the bed, curl up next to the Hooman, and go to sleep.>
=>.<=
<The next day the Hooman wakes up to see a newly written post that has the girls’ paws all over it. The cats blame alien doppelgangers, of course, as the writers of the post. The Human pretends to believe them, keeps the post as is, and feeds the cats their breakfast. The girls make sure to rub up on her legs and purr in thanks so that they don’t appear guilty for breaking into their Hooman’s phone and typing the post.>
Nalia and Salem: Thanks fur reading dis! Be sure to check out our othur quick posts az well az all of our Mama’s posts! Below iz teh video part deus deaux dose 2!1
Carpe Diem and Purrzahz!
~Salem, Nalia, and teh Sleeping Hooman
=>.<=
A Quick Note From The Hooman
I am working on finishing Part 3 of my We Fear What We Don’t Know series, and should have it out by this weekend (like fo’ sure fo’ sure!). What was suppose to be my last undergrad semester ended on a low note, which I will talk about briefly at the beginning of my next post. I hope these past few weeks have been good for y’all, and I wish everyone reasonably Happy Holidays!
Love,
~Kimber~
=>.<=
Purrleaze help cheer up and support our Hooman by:
If you would not like to do a paid subscription, but would still like to give monetary support, you can go onto our Hooman’s Ko-Fi site and give a tip starting at $5. You can give one-time or as many times as you’d like. It’s completely up to you!
All tips will go unto this authur’z bank account and will help our Hooman pay the billz and more importantly provide for us, the furry overladiez! (We’ve been wurking ovurtime giving purrz, cuddlez, and snugglez to our Hooman!)
Nu Yerez Rezolushun-Git bettur @ our spellingz! *Translation: New Year’s Resolution: The cats want to become better at spelling/typing words*
Thanks for making me laugh