Two Cats and their Human: The Human, Part 2
Happiness, Tragedy, Trauma, Death, Grief, Mourning, and Healing
Thank y’all for reading this series! If you just found this post and have not read Part 1, click on this link and it will take to the first post of this mini-series!
Hello, Hello, Fellow Musers!
I am putting another Note-tice and Trigger Warning: This post was completed back on August 1st, 2023, with some editing much later as I re-read through it-about 10% editing, with the rest pretty much the staying the same. This was also one of the reasons why my Cultural Anthropology post was delayed. I realized that I needed to write out what happened as part of my healing process for the kitten loss, the feelings of which I talk about in this post. I respect that not everyone will agree on me showing the now-passed-on-kittens, however, the kittens seen in the pics posted were alive at the time I took them-I have no pics of their postmortem bodies.
If you have just had/recently had a furbaby go into the great beyond and are not ready for this part, I understand. It will still be here should you decide to return and read the rest. If you get to a certain part and decide to not read the rest, it’s okay. If you feel that reading this will help you heal from your loss, please take your time. I understand and am sending you lots of hugs <3. Thank you for the attempt-it is appreciated!
For those who are ready to continue reading, while the beginning is somewhat bittersweet, please know that it ends with healing. Queen Salem and Princess Nalia are quite happy, and the human (aka me) has been spending the summer healing and moving forward. I believe, in their own way, the cats-especially Salem-are also healing and moving forward as well. Thank you for reading this all the way through! <3
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February 2023 to May 2023: Happiness, Death, Grief, and Mourning
It took a few weeks, but we all eventually settled into something of a routine. I would feed them in the morning, go to work and class, check on them, play with Nalia and give her cuddles, bribe Salem with treats, do homework, maybe play some World of Warcraft, go to sleep, and repeat. Oh, and also allow my body to recover from the surgery as well. I also found a vet recommended by a family friend.
Around the three-week mark, on February 14th, I took Nalia to the vet to get her first round of shots and check-up. I tried to get Salem to go to, but was aptly told via multiple hisses and fierce growls:
“Fuck off, human!”
“Not today, Satan!”
“You can’t catch me, so I can’t go!”
“Kiss and lick my floofy furry ass, bitch!”
And so on and so forth. I did actually catch her in the bathroom, but I made the mistake of not bringing Salem’s carrier with me into the bathroom. So she escaped my arms and hid under the couch. Poor Nalia, she had turned the carrier over, scared because she couldn’t really see what was going on, and also couldn’t get out. Nalia did fantastic, though, for her first vet appointment.
Two weeks later, I took Nalia to her second vet appointment for vaccines. Salem also, begrudgingly, accompanied us. How did I catch her this time, you ask? A combination of smarter planning…and Salem’s waist had expanded, effectively and conveniently slowing her down. After I brought Nalia back from the first vet visit, the girls went about their normal day. Salem kind of started warming up to me. Exactly one week later, however, Salem actually got on the bed, inserted herself between my covered legs, and proceeded to show me her belly. I guess, since I brought her litter-mate back to her intact, and was giving her food, she finally decided I was trustworthy.
I inspected her tummy, and saw that she had not been spayed. Later in the week, she did the same thing and I noticed her nipples looked larger and the hair around them was receding. So when Nalia went to the vet for her second round of shots, I managed to catch Salem and bring her with us. Sure enough, she was about 6 weeks pregnant. I learned that cats stay pregnant for about 2 months. I wasn’t able to x-ray her to see how many kittens to expect (couldn’t afford it), and the vet said that doing an abortion-spay that far along would be a death sentence for Salem1. So, not wanting endanger Salem, and also not wanting Nalia to be without her bonded litter-mate, I decided to let nature take its course.
Long story short, I contacted the local SPCA group, and was able to get help-I was loaned a crate, and was able to get discounted kitten food that was better than what I was feeding the girls. I was also worried about their weight and was told that it was okay to free feed them.
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The Arrival and Death of the Kittens
The kittens were born on March 22, 2023…and slowly died. There were 5 total. One almost made it-he made it one week and one day before going into the Great Beyond. I was told that this is a normal occurrence for first-time former stray mothers. I still sometimes kick myself for not taking Salem and her babies to a vet and getting them checked out. But at the time, I didn’t know shit. I even asked if I should take mama and the kittens to a vet, and was told that it most likely wouldn’t make a difference (at least, that’s how I interpreted it).
As for Salem-she was a badass mother! She did everything she could to keep her babies alive, but as they started dying, I believe she would put them under the towel as a way of saying, “I did my best, but I have live babies to look after so I can’t think of the dead ones right now.”2 I say this because I noticed that the kittens would go missing. I blamed Nalia, at first, because I knew sometimes animals would take another animal’s baby and claim it as their own. But Nalia didn’t show any signs of hiding a kitten.
While having Salem in her carrier with her remaining live kittens so that I could clean the crate out, I found the missing kitten under the towel. Stupid me-I was so relieved at finding the kitten that I didn’t pay attention to the signs. I put the kitten with Salem and the others, and cleaned the crate. Salem was pissed when I let her out, hissed at me, and carried a kitten back to the crate. I brought the other remaining two, went back to get the third one, and that’s when I finally paid attention.
The kitten was dead.
No wonder Salem was pissed-I would’ve reacted the same way as well, and probably would’ve clawed the human that made me sit in the carrier with the dead baby. But Salem didn’t do that last part-she was focused on her live babies. I think that she understood that I didn’t mean to put the dead kitten in with her and the little ones, because I remember her being very sweet and forgiving to me later that day.
Out of the 5 kittens, I know that at least one was a boy, but I don’t know the sex of the others. Two were born stillborn the day of, one died the next day, while another one died on the third. The fifth, the boy and whom I had named Gibby, managed to survive for one week and one day. The first two I buried, and then when I found a pet crematorium and went to dig the buried ones up, I only found one. I don’t know what happened to the other one, but I’m willing to bet another animal dug it up. I remember thinking, “This is the circle of life…” because what else can it be called?
I cremated the rest of the kittens and their ashes were spread along with some other animals. I wasn’t able to witness it, but I trust that the people at the pet crematorium did the ash spreading. I told the two ladies who helped me that I was an anthropology major and had taken a class that touched on cremation for humans as one of the subjects. We talked a bit about the process for animals before I left Gibby’s body to be cremated.
I went through the final month and a half of the semester on auto-pilot. I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me. I felt apathy, disinterest, depression. There were good moments but the days had absolutely no color whatsoever, figuratively speaking. At my counseling session, I explained what had happened and what I was feeling. My counselor gently replied, “You’re grieving and in mourning. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay. We’re going to salvage these last few weeks of school and we’re going to have a check-in session in two weeks.”
I barely scraped by with two D’s (specifically a D-, D+) and a C. Starting out, I had thought that this was going to be my best semester. Again, the universe laughed and said, “Yo, bitch, guess what?” To which I curtly, defiantly, and tiredly replied with my own favorite curse word, “Motherfucker!” and returned the middle finger sign to it before finally breaking down and having the cry that I had been needing to have.
Nalia and Salem were nearby, but they’re admittedly not the best when it comes to comforting their human while she’s crying. They tend to wait until after the crying to come and give comfort and purrs. ………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………….
Healing and Where the Human and the Cats are as of This Post
As of this writing, we are now in July. I’ve been spending the summer healing from a double trauma: my unexpected hysterectomy plus one ovary removal, and the loss of the kittens.
I never thought I’d mourn the loss of my uterus, but I realize that I have been. I still have one ovary-the other one I’d been secretly wanting out of my body since I was 17 due to caustic cysts (a recurring cyst-I don’t recommend those motherfuckers at all). I’m settling into my body and going along with whatever changes it needs to make (some reluctantly, some are welcomed). I’ll do a post on that eventually.
I reconnected and am now dating my boyfriend and partner, Dylan, for the third time around February 2023. We had started dating back in 2017, broke up in 2019 and got back together also in 2019, broke up in 2020, kept in touch even after I moved and are now doing a semi-long-distance relationship (we only live 2 hours apart). Dylan, my sister and her partner, my parents, and my friends (who also live within the same area as my boyfriend) have helped and I’m thankful for them.
As for Nalia and Salem, welp, when Dylan stayed the night the first time, Nalia threw figurative paws and staged an all-night protest. Salem just stayed in the closet, mostly, coming out every so often to see if he was still there. Now when Dylan comes and visits, he is Nalia’s favorite playmate, while Salem observes from the closet door, the top of the crate, or from the window sill above the a/c.
I think, for a bit, Salem was mourning the loss of her babies. I caught her for a few weeks looking for them. She didn’t call for them, just had an inquisitive look in her eyes asking, “Hello, kittens? Human, do you know where my babies are? I can’t seem to find them.” A few times I believe that she was experiencing depression, as she had a look in her eyes that exuded something deeper than sadness and grief.
Nalia was Salem’s comforter, and when Nalia was spayed (she was the first of the two to get it done), Salem kept a watchful eye on her (sometimes from the top of the crate, looking in-which Nalia had done while Salem was nursing the kittens, haha).
While Nalia was recovering, Salem and I actually got to bond. I continue to call her Queen and she usually rewards me with one of her loud purrs, closed eyes, and sweet smile. Shortly before the end of the Spring semester, Salem’s true personality started to show. While I consider her the mature cat, she has proven to be just as feisty as Nalia can be-to the point that Nalia will sometimes just sit, ears back, a confused look on her face, and watch Salem run around. I have deciphered the confused look and ears back as Nalia sometimes saying, “What the fuck? There’s only one Bringer of Chaos…me! That’s me! How does this hiccup get fixed, human?!? How?!?” Eventually, though, Salem calms down and allows Nalia to resume her chaos role, while Salem resumes her role of Void Shadow Ninja, Queen of her Domain.
Nalia, my sweet chaos princess, had alot of anxiety at first, but I believe she is calming down. She loves to be by/near me-in fact, she’s currently on the couch next to me while I sit in my chair, typing this. She’s constantly getting in front of me, though, which means occasionally getting in the way of my feet
…Sigh…
She’s learning, though, to be a few steps in front of me, beside me, or not directly behind me. I have to remind myself to look behind me before taking steps back so I don’t step on her. She doesn’t let me hold her for too long anymore, but she still loves cuddles. She’s also getting more confident in her purring.
I’m proud of these two ladies. I call them Good Girls, and I also call them Sweet Ladies. They haven’t run out on me yet, and sometimes I do actually thank them for not running out on me-usually when I’m the one on my way out of my our their apartment that they simply live in, while I keep it clean, pay rent, and other bills. Tis the life, Fellow Muser, tis the life indeed!
~Note~
-Although this isn’t a completely accurate version of an ethnography, I hope you’ve enjoyed reading this! I hope to do a some more posts in this style (but with somewhat less morbidity and less pre-post explanation) once I get the intro posts of the other three two subfields completed.
-As of late October 2023, the girls have been transitioning from normal food to food that helps with bladder infection and anxiety3. It’s been helping both of them so much. Eventually I’m going to add wet-food as part of their food routine.
-As of the end of December, we are moving into a new place, and I am (hopefully) going to do better this upcoming semester!
Conclusion to The Human’s Version
Thank you so so much for reading this and remember to Carpe Diem! Until next time, Fellow Musers, huzzah! Also, if you enjoyed reading this, the girls are wondering if you’d share with them what you enjoyed about this post, and any of the other posts in this little corner of Substack!
For next week’s post, we will hear Miss Nalia’s version, typed out in excellent cat-english speak! Also, the Queen and Princess have a reminder message for everyone at the very bottom of the page, and also have given me permission to share a memory video from the past year!
Carpe diem and sending lots of Huzzahs!
~Kimber, Nalia, and Salem
The vet said that she did the procedure once before and lost the mama cat.
Up until this point, I had never known nor seen a cat do a “burial”. It was quite humbling to experience once I realized what Salem was doing!
Salem and I had a lovely time at the emergency vet one night in October due to her vomiting 3x in a row within 45 minutes. We got there about 11pm and didn’t leave until 3am. The vet techs couldn’t find anything wrong with her. The next day I took her to her normal vet and found out that she had a possible bladder infection. She was given two shots and I gradually switched the girls to the new food, which they both devour and demand more of because apparently I don’t feed nor do I spoil them enough!
Thanks for writing this, Kimber. I hope it was healing for you. That was a really hard time when Salem lost all her newborns. I’m glad she was already living with you so you could be there for her. I know she felt safe and loved by you.
Love you,
Mom